Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person

– Gerard Way

Since the start of May, I’ve found myself experiencing a range of emotions- I’ve been extremely happy, sad, depressed, tired. I’ve cried. I’ve reflected. I’ve thought about life, living life. Existing in this world. I’ve thought about death – the finality of it all.

I remember always looking forward to being 30 – for me it was supposed to signify a time when I’d come into my womanhood. A time I’d fully bloomed and had it all figured out.

I was supposed to be this imperfectly perfect woman.

The pursuit of perfection often impedes improvement. 

– George Will

The plan at 30 was always – be happy, be married, with two kids, earning a decent pay whilst living life to the level my money would be able to take me.

While I’ve ticked most of those boxes (please don’t ask me when I’m having a second child) – I’ve realised happiness isn’t always tied to the things you have. It sometimes isn’t even tied to the achievements you’ve made. Sometimes happiness is just tied to you being at peace with yourself. Just being happy with yourself for no reason other than the fact that you’re here, now, alive, living in the moment and being impactful.

Have I reached that level of happiness? No.

However, I’m still happy (for the most part anyway).

Ataraxia – a state of serene calmness.

I find myself looking back at my younger self wishing I knew then what I know now.

Thinking of all the times I could have stood up for myself – not bothering about what people would say. All the times I should have challenged people’s views of me and not accepted the mediocrity that was thrown my way.

I’m thankful for growth and I realise now that growing up isn’t finite – it’s an evolving rollercoaster of sometimes bold and sometimes risky moves.

I’m focusing more on doing my best and letting go – not stressing about the things I have no control over.

Since I can’t have a proper party like I always imagined I’d have (because Ramadan) – the plan is to spend the next year celebrating my 30th – a lot can be done in 300 odd days.

Being free and just doing things I’ve always wanted.

I still want to start dance classes.

I still want to learn to play the piano.

I still want to go sky diving.

I still want to be playful – blowing through an endless stretch of dandelions.

I still want to keep writing – even if it’s sparingly.

I hope to be able to share memories with my family and those I consider my friends.

I want to be there for my friends & family as much as they’re there for me.

I want to be free…

—-

Her body trembled
With each breath
Suddenly she was aware
Aware of everything

How her breasts moved
In rhythmic movement
Up and down
To the silent swoosh

Her heart
Pumping

She felt aware
Of how her fingers
Connected to her wrists

Her arms
Feeling every curve
As she pondered
On her creation

She craved the warmth
Of the vessel that carried her
The calming silence
That brought peace

She felt the earth

The silent cry
Of Mother Nature
Begging for healing

Her tears
Were her tears

Pain
Scathing
As they became one

Intertwined

Binding
Affliction
With Comfort

Emerging new

She felt aware
Of the rush of waves
As fragments of the vessel
Began to wither

The beginning of the end

She felt reborn…